Sun, Aug. 30th, 2009, 07:19 pm

It feels odd to be writing again.

Hm. I think I like it. I've been more inspired in the past few days than I have been over the past 15 years.

Mon, Mar. 9th, 2009, 03:31 pm
Life As Heart-Attack.

I am such an awesome mother. You don't even realize.

Weeks ago, I was told by those around me that they would be able to participate in my daughter's first birthday. Okay, fine. The time comes 'round to start getting our shit together, and NO ONE comes through.

You know, it would be nice if just once we weren't such a goddamned fucking inconvenience for my family.

Last year, at exactly this time, I had just given birth to my beautiful baby girl. She was six pounds, twelve ounces. Tim wasn't there yet (he would be arriving in a few more minutes) and the doctor was busily stabbing at my innards to put stitches in and pressing down on my proliferous gut in a most painful way to eject the placenta. All that was going through my mind at the time was "NEVER AGAIN." Now, I told you that to tell you this: my sister had to basically tell my mother that I WANTED her there and ASKED FOR HER specifically in order for my parents to jump in the car and be present for the birth of their granddaughter. Even though I'd moved all the way from Alberta to Ontario to be close to family during this time. Inconvenience.

Fast forward to one year from then. My sister offered to have a little party at her place for Evelyn, and "force" our parents to come down. The answer from the parents was that they couldn't afford to travel, so they weren't going. When I told them that if my sister wasn't going pull through with that plan, my mother acted like it was the greatest imposition when I told her that I would likely be travelling up to them, then, because I wasn't spending my daughter's birthday alone with her. Inconvenience.

When I was trying to get a plan together with my sister, she asked me when I wanted to do it and I said it would probably be sometime on the weekend, most likely Sunday. "This Sunday?" No, the Sunday that's farthest away from her birthday. Inconvenience.

Tim said he was going to be there for his daughter's firth birthday. When the time came around for that, though, he didn't want to travel the distance (since he'd just done it the weekend before), and besides that, he had so much school work that needed to be done. When asked if I'd feel like doing the trip (a twelve hour drive) two weekends in a row with barely a fully day turnaround before going back, I told him in no uncertain terms, that yes, I fucking WOULD.

Pissed off at all this bullshit, I woke up on Saturday morning and decided that if none of my family wanted to be a part of my daughter's birthday, I would fucking go somewhere people would JUMP THROUGH HOOPS to be with her. I wasn't doing it for Tim, with whom I was furious, and I wasn't doing it for his parents, one of whom had recently pissed me the fuck off. I was going to do it for my daughter, so that when she's ten years old and asking me questions about her previous birthdays, I won't have to tell her that her very first birthday was a piece of shit because no one could be arsed to be with her.

So now, I'm in the States. I was hung over when I left. I drove for fourteen hours and several fits of toddler tantrums. Through retarded winds and some pretty special rain storms. Through various sorded nightmare imaginings and deer-based hallucinations. I've gotten a grand told of five hours of sleep (maybe). I've just finished baking a cake, and in about an hour or two I'm going to decorate it. I'm fucking exhausted, the day isn't over yet, and people still expect me to do shit for them.

Today is my daughter's day. The rest of you all can take a flying leap.

Mon, Mar. 31st, 2008, 05:04 pm
Teh Cuteness

For those of you who don't have access to my Facebook photos... which is most of you:

There are more where that came from, of course.

Sun, Feb. 24th, 2008, 09:00 am

I'm so not ready for this.

Not only am I not ready for this, but I'm also not ready to do this alone. Because that's what it's going to be.

I also thought I was over all the pain, but I'm not.

And I'm forced to ask myself, as every parent does, "What kind of fucked up world am I bringing my child into?"

What I need right now is stability. What I have is upheaval.

If I'm this bad now, I can only imagine how disabling it's going to be later. Somehow, I don't think I'll be one of the lucky ones and escape.

Mon, Feb. 18th, 2008, 05:13 pm

Yeah. I just realized that I have absolutely no idea how to raise a baby.

Lovely, eh?

Wed, Jan. 30th, 2008, 10:06 pm


Mon, Jan. 21st, 2008, 11:46 am

So I just more or less finalized the paperwork (verbally) for my Kitchener townhouse, and I was just informed that it's an upper level unit. And then it occured to me that I'm going to be 8 months pregnant and the only other person that's going to be there is my father-in-law. This means that I'm not going to be able to move my things into my apartment alone since at that point, I won't be able to do much in the way of heavy lifting.

So I'm currently looking for any Kitchener-bound friends to help me with my move-in on March 3. Let me know if you can help!

Tue, Jan. 15th, 2008, 12:52 pm
January Update

I'm not sure whether or not I should be happy about moving back to Kitchener. My life there was somewhat depressing, but I miss the area and the people. I didn't really ever have any close friends there, but I did have people I knew. I suppose I could create better friendships this time. I am happy with the townhouse I've managed to procure, however. It's a small two-bedroom dealy, but it's reasonably priced and it has a laundry room. WIth a washer and dryer. Which means I don't have to travel anywhere to do my laundry and I don't have to worry about whether or not I've got the cash or the change. You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to that, especially with a baby on the way.

I'm hoping that the move from Calgary to Kitchener will be permanent, but the money I'm making here is more than enough to draw me back. If I'm able to make a comparable wage in Kitchener afer my year of maternity leave is up, then I'll likely stay. I want to stay. I prefer Ontario to Alberta. I've lived in both places, and I've had to listen to people in both places trash-talk each other. No place is better than the other. It's all about personal preference, and I personally prefer Ontario. The climate out here is too dry and I'm always cold here. There is a whole list of complaints I could go through, but the long and short of it is that I just don't like it. I don't understand why people prefer living here, unless it's because they have family here. Otherwise, what's the point?

Money, I suppose. It all comes down to the almighty buck. Well, sometimes you have to weigh your happiness with how you value a dollar and see which one wins out. I'm making good coin here, but I'm not happy. Then again, not all of that has to do with location. I guess I'll just wait and see. 

Fri, Nov. 2nd, 2007, 06:42 am
First (technically) Ultrasound

Well... I had my first ultrasound yesterday. It was really uncomfortable at first because I did what I always do when I get a pelvic ultrasound... I drank four cups of water. Of course, when I got there and they tried to do the ultrasound, they said that my bladder was TOO full so they made me empty it. Had I known that, I wouldn't even have bothered.

I got to see the baby, of course, but I couldn't see very much. Just the skeleton, basically. Kind of a late Halloween gift, I suppose. Got to see some arms and legs and feet and a spine. And a heart, which was beating nicely so that's good. I got some pictures to take home, too, but they aren't that great a quality so I'll have to wait until I can show them off in person.

Anyway, after much poking and prodding and generally being forced awake, I felt my first baby movement tonight (I think)... but I'm not quite sure. All I know is that it was sitting on the right side of my uterus for the past four months, and now it's on the left side. I still don't know what sex I'm having (and don't really care, as long as it's healthy) but I think I would like to find out. Now whether or not I tell anyone is another matter entirely...


Tue, Jul. 17th, 2007, 07:54 am
MEME Goodness.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 51% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing

Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

And I'm not even bored yet. Just taking the opportunity to post in LJ while it's still, you know... unblocked by the work proxy.

10 most recent